1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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