yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
