I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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