dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
