my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
