i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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