My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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