someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
