My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
