last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
