So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
