I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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