we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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