Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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