Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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