Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have aggressive nipples.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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