i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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