His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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