Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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