is your mom at the bar?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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