he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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