thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
