careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love accidental penises.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
