they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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