Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
