Someone shit on the floor
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
