Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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