i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
