Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
wow bdsm is so cute
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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