I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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