Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
