sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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