i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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