Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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