I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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