There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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