There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
