I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
