We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
