He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
