The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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