You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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