Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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