You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
