Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
