I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
