it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
