How has he not realized you're pregnant?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
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Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.