I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
