Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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