What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
