he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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