Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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