Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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