when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
